Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least
one who will cooperate).
Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
A lot less than I'm worth.
ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
LEAVING: It sucked.
TO WORK: Any
HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT
YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE
ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE
A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would
be, 'Do you have a car that runs'.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED
ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION: I may already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so
they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actaully,
I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY
THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.
OLD PEOPLE ROCK! ***
Patti's Comments: This is for all you grandparents out
there enjoy! (It was passed on to me from my mom!)
1. She was in
the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times
before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave,
the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss
the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
2. My young grandson
called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet
for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at
3. After putting
her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.
As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious,
her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around
her head and stormed into their room, putting them back
to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard
the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from
a tree in our front yard We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish
I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson
was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished
my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''......
"You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl
was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I
7. I didn't know
if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided
to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour
it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was
fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the
door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure
out some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson
Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson
asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure..." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa,"
he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second
grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies
today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised,
tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant,"
said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came
down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad
aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather
was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when
a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back,"
said one child. "No," said another. "He's
just for good luck." A third child brought the argument
to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly,
"to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old
was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we
just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit,
we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is
the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things,
but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents
are funny, when they bend over you hear gas leaks, and they
blame their dog.