| Jon
Stewart: |
| You
wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the
morning. |
| Insomnia
is my greatest inspiration. |
| Being
a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.
|
| You
have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it
wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. |
| We
must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. |
| No
one is better at not beating America than England. |
| The
Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried
Chicken is a church. |
| Insomnia
is my greatest inspiration. |
| The
Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. |
| Steven
Colbert: |
| It's
official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi
Mind Trick. |
| The
skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. |
| Attack
life, it's going to kill you anyway. |
| I hold
a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. |
| I don't
like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the
old president who is a muslim extremist. |
| There's
nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and
that just makes it more delicious. |
| Calvin
& Hobbes: |
| Life's
disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear
words. |
| Hobbes:
Do you think there's a God? Calvin: Well, SOMEBODY'S out to
get me. |
| There's
never enough time to do all the nothing you want. |
| What's
the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if
nobody ever asks to see 'em? |
| Miscellaneous: |
| All
you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t
hurt. ~ Charles M. Schulz |
| There
is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with
chocolate. ~
Charles Dickens |
| All
hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity.
~ Gordie Howe |
| Today
you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive
who is youer than you. ~ Dr. Seuss |
| I
don't like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell, you see,
I have friends in both places. ~ Mark Twain |
| There
are cities that get by on their good looks. Detroit has to work
for a living. ~ Elmore Leonard |
| I've
learned there are three things you don't discuss with people:
religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin. ~ Linus |
| Age
does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop
of ice cream fall from the cone. ~Jim Fiebig |
| I have
never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure. ~
Clarence Darrow |
| Cocaine
is God's way of telling you you are making too much money. ~
Robin Williams |
| The
nicer I am, the more people think I'm lying. ~ Andy Warhol |
| Be
nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. ~
Bill Gates |
| Middle
age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the
telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. ~
O. Nash |
| Laughter
is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. ~ Unknown |
| A
good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark
clouds than any other one thing. ~ Laura Ingalls Wilder |
| God
works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on
welfare in a mysterious way. ~ |
| This
is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. ~
Bill Maher's thoughts
on the BP oil spill. |
| BP
has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders. ~ David Letterman |
Strength
is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with
your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. ~ Judith
Viorst
Patti's Comment: For the record, I'm not able to do this! |
| The
most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~ E.E.
Cummings |
| Things
are never so bad they can't be made worse. ~ Humphrey Bogart |
| I like
nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. ~ Dr. Seuss |
| Leadership
is the ability to hide your panic from others. ~ Unknown |
| We're
all gonna be gay if we get health care! ~ Bill Maher |
| Republicans
are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods
took to marriage. ~ Bill Maher |
| May
the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
~ George Carlin |
| Old
is always fifteen years from now. ~ Bill Cosby |
| Health
food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of
a lot better. ~ Robert Redford |
| I tried
being reasonable, I didn't like it. ~ Clint Eastwood |
| Christ,
seven years of college, down the drain. ~ John Belushi |
| Everyone
is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. ~ Unknown |
| If
you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education,
go to the library. ~ Frank Zappa |
| You
can't have everything... where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright |
| Always
do right; this will gratify some and astonish the rest. ~ Mark
Twain |
| We
must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success
of those we don't like. ~ Unknown |
